If you or your partner have chosen a termination and would like to share your story, please email stories@prochoiceqld.org.au.
If the stories below raise any issues you would like to discuss with a counsellor, please contact Children by Choice.
Merike's Story
Anna's Story
Fiona's Story
Nicolle's Story
Ella's Story
Simone's Story
Edna's Story
Merike’s story…
It is incredible that we are still fighting this issue in 2009!
I was married in 1961 when "contraception" was a taboo subject and my partner and I had to talk to the pharmacist in whispers for information. Unfortunately the condom/pull-out-in-time advice did not work. Then came the "pill" but I was one of the '1 in 200 women' for whom the pill failed. So I have two children!
My husband and I have enough university degrees between us to wallpaper a dunny wall with, we are educated and intelligent, but all contraceptives failed and I got pregnant again. Luckily I was among the first women in NSW to undergo "vacuum aspiration" rather than the usual "curettage" (and I was the first woman in the NSW Public Service to write "elective termination of pregnancy" on her sick-leave form). I can tell you that I literally floated down the steps of the hospital after the abortion. I was so happy, I had my life restored to me. There were no "regrets" or trauma etc.
It is my life, my body, my decision. Why do people want to interfere in an issue which has nothing to do with them?
Even though, happily, I am now past the age of worrying about getting pregnant, and so are my daughters, I still fight for the right of all women to determine their own life (forcing a woman to use her body to incubate a baby is akin to slavery).
Anna’s story…
I am 48 years old with two wonderful children.
I had an abortion when I was 28 and I think it was the right decision for both me and my partner at the time. I have absolutely no regret and was not traumatised by it.
I feel that 20 years ago I was able to easily find a practitioner in NSW who would conduct a surgical termination. I feel that today my options would be far more limited because of the lesser numbers of practitioners willing to perform this procedure. This is disastrous for women.
Women should have the right to choose for themselves.
Practitioners should feel safe to perform this procedure if they so choose to do this type of work.
Fiona’s story…
My name is Fiona. I am 34 years old and married to Max. I have a 2 year old son and am currently 7 months pregnant with our second child.
In 2003 I found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy was an unplanned gift for both of us and we were overjoyed. We had tests early on in the pregnancy and everything seemed normal. We discovered we were having a little girl and we decided to call her Rachael. But our joy was short-lived. A routine ultrasound at 18 weeks revealed the first hint of problems. A visit to a specialist soon revealed our baby’s heart was covered in inoperable tumours. The specialist told me our baby would die inside me or as she was being born.
I was 20 weeks pregnant and needing time to think but there wasn’t any time. I felt depressed and nearing a nervous breakdown. We made the difficult decision to terminate and were advised to do so as soon as possible. My gynaecologist referred me to the Royal Women’s Hospital in Melbourne, but the staff there insisted on more ultrasounds and wanted clearance from the hospital board before agreeing to the termination. This would have carried me past the 22 weeks stage of pregnancy. I tried so hard to organise a termination at the RWH but kept on being told that I had to wait for the board’s ok.
Every minute I carried Rachel was torture because I knew we were going to lose her. I just wanted things to be over. In desperation we had the termination carried out at a private clinic at 24 weeks. It cost us $4000 – money we could ill afford. We had no choice though.
If the public hospital system isn’t going to help women like me in similar circumstances access safe abortions, who are we going to turn to? Whether it's a 16-year-old girl who decides to terminate her pregnancy for whatever reason, or a 30-year-old whose baby is dying, that is a very personal thing. No-one should butt in, especially not a politician.
You've got to decide what you think is right for yourself.
No-one else could have decided that for me. I was the one carrying that baby. I was the one suffering. It was my loss, it was my grief, I had to deal with it the only way I knew how to.
Nicolle’s story…
My name is Nicolle. I am aged 32 and live with my husband Brad and my 2 beautiful children - Emily who is 4 and Lachlan who is 3.
This debate is one that is particularly close to my heart as in May 2006 we had to make a decision at 20 weeks whether to terminate our third pregnancy. In late 2005 I had a tubal ligation to prevent any further pregnancies so as to preserve a fragile vertebrae. In January 2006, I found out I was pregnant.
Over the next few months my husband, my kids and I got used to the fact that we were going to have baby number 3.
The 12-week ultrasound went past with no problems so we did up the nursery, bought a bigger car and picked out names.
In April 2006 I went for my routine 19-week ultrasound. I was expecting that I was going to find out if it was a healthy boy or a girl but my dreams were shattered when we learned that our baby girl – Zara - had hyperplastic left heart syndrome with a double outlet right ventricle and polycystic kidneys. The lady doing the ultrasound told us “there is no chance for babies like this”. These words will forever echo in my mind. We were referred to a cardiologist, and our obstetrician suggested an amnio to see if the problem was genetic. The doctor advised us that because my pregnancy was so far along if I wanted the amnio results back in time to terminate I had to pay an urgency fee of around $700.
We went home and got on the internet and then met with cardiologist. We found out there was hope, slim hope, but hope. If we moved closer to a specialist hospital we could have 3 lots of surgery over 3 years that would give our little girl an 80% chance of living a happy healthy life like any other child. This was too good of a chance not to take it. We copped criticism from friends and family who thought we were being inhumane and we made the wrong choice, but I would take those odds any day, BUT that is my choice and no-one else’s.
The next 2 days were like a fairy tale, I had 20 weeks to prepare for my little girl, my sick little girl to be born. But three days later – at 19 weeks pregnancy and 6 days – our ob called and said he needed to see us urgently. We had forgotten about the amnio. We saw him at 8.00 pm that night and he advised us our little girl had velo-cardial facial syndrome aka De George syndrome or sphrintzen syndrome and this was very rare. He said that our little girl, on top of her heart and kidney issues, could have a number of other issues such as cleft palette, immune deficiency, muscle problems, no uterus, no anus, hearing problems, learning difficulties, sight issues etc: all of which would impact on her quality of life if in fact she survived to be born.
Then the big whammy hit me ... whatever decision we made had to be made then and there as I was 19 weeks and 6 days and after 20 weeks, the choice would be taken out of my hands. A hospital committee would decide whether I could have a termination or not.
So I had to make a decision without talking to my GP or my mum or my kids. The three of us discussed it but in the end chose a dignified end for Zara. The next day she was born by C Section.
This decision was not a hard decision, but to have been put in a position where we had to make it was the hardest thing we ever faced. The thing that has hurt the most have been the comments from people afterwards about “how strong we were to do something like that” or “I could never have made that choice” or “glad it was you not me I think I would have taken the other odds”. How do they know what they would or wouldn’t have done? And anyway, it wasn’t about them. It was OUR decision.
This is a decision that can and should only be made by the parents of the baby. No one carries a baby for 20 weeks and makes a decision like this without justification or a lot of consideration. The problem is that with a strict deadline of 20 weeks couples may not be able to give it adequate consideration.
What if we could not have afforded the urgency fee? What if my ob hadn’t read the results until the next day? What if my ultrasound was a day later? What if the ultrasound place wasn’t switched on enough to ask for an amnio so quickly? What if ... what if ... what if? There are too many anomalies to have a strict 20 week cut off ... if my cards had not fallen the way they did and if I didn’t get my results when I did, I would not have been able to make the decision I did when I did. I would have been FORCED to carry Zara, knowing her conditions were incompatible with life. Who has the right to tell me I MUST carry my baby knowing what I knew.
If Zara had survived until term and she was born, I had the immediate right to choose ”no further medical treatment”. How is that different to when I am pregnant with her, I am her mother and I am her guardian and I have the right to make decisions, medical or otherwise, on her behalf.
Sometimes you are not aware of conditions until later in a pregnancy and sometimes further testing and second opinions are needed. Who sets the time frames and what is taken into account when 20-week time frames are set?
Ella’s Story
My name is Ella. I live with my husband and 3 children, aged 8, 5 and 3.
We fell pregnant with our second child, James, in 2001 – a very much-wanted baby. I had no problems with my first pregnancy so I had no inkling that anything would be wrong with my second until we got to the 12 week scan.
At the 12-week scan they first identified an exomphalos abnormality. This meant that all of his internal organs were developing outside of his body. Also at the 12-week scan they detected a very thick nuchal fold and potential heart defects. A CVS revealed severe chromosomal problems.
We had several meetings with the geneticists about the chromosomal problems but, as they had never seen such a case before, they just couldn’t tell us in any detail what to expect, and this was incredibly frustrating. The team doing the ultrasounds recommended that we came back in 2 weeks time when our baby’s heart would be bigger.
I wasn’t prepared to make the decision not to keep the pregnancy at that time so I was prepared to wait. I waited until 16 weeks. It was absolute torture because I was looking more pregnant and I could feel him moving. I kept asking myself ‘if he survived the operation to put his organs back in, what kind of a life would he have?’.
Unfortunately there was no positive or concrete answer. At 16.5 weeks we decided not to continue with the pregnancy. It was the worst thing I could ever imagine doing. My parents wanted me to think of my quality of life (of my marriage and my daughter at the time) - I disagreed immensely with them. I wanted to make the best decision for his life and his life only.
I’ve never regretted it. For me the most important thing now is to continue acknowledging him. We do that through trees planted in his memory. Releasing balloons at the forest where we planted them on his anniversary and placing a teddy bear angel in his honour on our Christmas tree every year. I also buy presents for a disadvantaged boy that is the age he would have been and donate them each Christmas.
Some women lose children they have had for some time and that is tragic beyond belief. I lost the dream of a child and I think that is equally devastating.
I look at all of the debate going on about abortion laws and I just can’t believe that politicians could apply a blanket policy for circumstances that are so unique and individual. They have no right. What I experienced was so incredibly personal and painful. It was my choice to make and that made the loss even harder. I had to decide this was no life for a child of mine. But thank god I had that choice. It could only have been mine. I am his mother, he is my child.
Simone’s story…
I still very clearly remember the day when I found out I was pregnant. I was 23 and had recently separated from Tom who I had been living with for a year. I took one look at the pregnancy test and was in shock, but I knew that I didn’t want to continue with the pregnancy.
I had certain ideals in my mind of what kind of a life I wanted to provide for my child, and what kind of mother I wanted to be. After sitting down and analysing my situation at the time, it was obvious that I was far from meeting those. I also knew that if I was going to have a child with Tom then we would need to trust and commit to each other. But I knew I couldn’t rely on him. To add to this, he would never have been my first pick as the father of my child. I spoke to Tom about the pregnancy. He made it clear he preferred me not to go ahead with it, but he said he’d support whatever decision I made.
After talking it through with a close friend, I decided to have an abortion. I rang a clinic nearby and booked in to have a termination the next week. I was 8 weeks pregnant. The doctor and nursing staff at the clinic were lovely and went out of their way to ensure that I understood everything to do with the procedure. They also asked me why I wanted a termination, discussed my decision with me at length and explained that I could change my mind at any time. But I was confident I was making the best decision for me at the time.
Even today I still feel I made the right decision.
The recent debate on abortion has brought back a lot of memories for me and it has also made me stop and reflect on the tragic fact that abortion is still a crime in Victoria. I don’t feel I committed a crime. What I did was exercised my right to decide when I would become a mother by undertaking a common medical procedure performed by an experienced doctor.
Only a handful of people know that I have had a termination. This is firstly because it is a very personal decision but also because I think there’s probably still a real stigma attached to it in society - which isn’t at all helped by the law. Having a look at the media on the issue to date, I haven’t really heard many women’s voices, just a lot of politicians (mainly men) airing their own views about what is right and what isn’t.
As a Victorian woman who very capably made the decision to have a termination, I strongly believe that abortion should be removed from the Crimes Act. If a woman decides to have an abortion, it’s no one’s business but hers and her doctor’s and anyone else she decides to tell. The decision itself is difficult enough without everyone involved looking nervous and writing answers on forms so no one goes to gaol.
Edna’s story…
In 1942 Edna Lavilla Haynes died from a backyard abortion. She was thirty-five years old with five children, two of them illegitimate. After her death the children lost contact and Edna was never mentioned again.
Her youngest daughter had no photos, no memories; only the recollection of a newspaper being hidden away and the family's shame. More than sixty years later Edna's grand-daughter, ABC radio journalist Euridice Aroney, looks for clues. Her search that takes us through police files and government records, down Sydney's back alleys of the 1940s, where one in four pregnancies ended in abortion and sometimes death.
This program won Best Radio Feature in the Australian Walkley Awards 2007 and was highly commended at the Third Coast International Audio Festival in Chicago 2007. Read the ABC Radio Eye story The Search for Edna Lavilla.
